I wouldn't change a thing.

Here I am, sitting on the couch, with my laptop on it's usual location, my lap. Staying up way past the time I should retire for sleep, but for some reason, I cannot sleep.

Tonight has been a flurry of emotions. My range of emotions have varied from holding my dearest belongings and just wanting to throw them against the wall, which I nearly did, and is how I currently feel. Yet not even two hours ago while playing my guitar I had an incredible moment with God, almost to the point of facedown worship.

I do not even know what the cause for these fluctuations in my mood is for. I just realize that at the moment, I am very frustrated, very aggravated and mad, and I do not even know at what. Which is frustrating in and of itself. If I knew what I could work on, I could help myself out.
I realized today that there are very few people who know the real me. Very few people that see me for who I truly am. I have become far too talented at hiding my real feelings, my real desires and what I really am like, almost as if I am constantly hiding behind this ridiculous facade of some teenage boy who has it all together.

I hide the real me far too often, there is only a handful of people who have seen the real me and, and that is terrifying. Not because I am scared that people will know me for who I am. It terrifies me because I believe we should be entirely real with everyone we meet, and I rarely do that myself, and that scares me because how many of my friends are hiding too? How many people are struggling just as I am, yet have nobody to talk to?

For me personally, I think it is heart-wrenching that I have lived my life for 18 years, constantly battling with showing who I truly am, and struggling with the idea of living true to that person. According to Psychologists, this is normal, from the teenage years to early twenties, us “young adults” are supposed to feel an identity crisis. But I do not have a crisis, I have a border line pandemic, because I have had so many identities over the year, and none of them last. The only one that lasts is the one I am trying to show more often, and that is the real Kyle.

Over the years, I have tried to find my identity in almost anything that a person can be found in, hoping to find something that was real. How narrow minded and naive I was, how could I possibly find who I am, if I’m looking in all the wrong places of this world. I tried the whole party scene briefly, and I stress briefly for that is a terribly sad environment, I could write an entire entry on the futility of that world. I tried the athletics. I even got nominated for Athlete of the Year, I was offered scholarships, I was given All-Star status, yet I still felt just as empty afterwards as I did before. I tried school, I excelled and had a 94 average, yet still I was unsatisfied. I tried music, which turned into worship, and I fell in love with it, which was very dangerous because I fell in love not with the worship, but with the music. I fell in love with musical side of thigns, not the great divine creator of the Earth I was worshipping. I cannot think of too many more things that can be as dangerous to a congregation as the people falling in love with the music, not the message the music brings forth. Ask Matt Redman. That is why he wrote the song "Heart of Worship"

All I know is that through everything, there is one constant. And that is my God, the Big-Guns upstairs... I know that throught it all, I fall back on Him. I also know that He is in control. I know that everything I have gone through, and everything I have done, that has happened and taken place for a very distinct reason. I may have regrets and things I wish I had not done, but I would not undo anything that has happened, because those are the things that have brought me to who I am today.

And I do love who I am. I truly thing I am blessed in this. I know that not many people feel that way, yet when I look in the mirror, I truly do love what I see. Of course I see blemishes and areas that I need significant help on, but I know that God will help me through and make me better through it. I realize I am a constant work in process, and for that I am thankful.

I am excited to live this journey of life.
And I think that is special and rare... and for that, I am thankful.

kAt